Day 6

Day 6.
This morning I woke up and thought I was gonna be ok. didn't feel as shitty as yesterday, had many productive activities lined up for the day ahead, the weekend was coming.. and i thought i was gonna be fine. i even kind of had breakfast by washing down some cinnamon toast crunch with soy milk. Got to the office and I got started on work. Everything was good until I had a moment of weakness and started editing that document of stuff I wanted to say to you again. When 11pm rolled around I could feel the despair kind of creeping up again, so I went outside for a cigarette. came back in and re-centered myself. Did more work. heated up my lunch and actually ate most of it. Then 2pm came and man, it got hard. I started to miss you again. That feeling is an unsettling ache at the bottom of my stomach. Thought about work stuff and things I wanted to do and I really wanted to text you and tell you about them. Thought about the weeks ahead and not being able to spend them with you and felt supremely shitty. I chatted up Zach on Gchat because when I talk to him I usually feel a little better. He told me to come with him and Ernie etc to a party in Brooklyn on Friday night. I thought about going but couldn't help thinking that I would rather be holed up with you in bed. Remembered all those times you used to kiss me on the forehead and we would laugh together over stupid words like "randy" or "papaya." felt a big rock rising in my throat and had to push it down. feel like shit again and the hour from 2 to 3 seemed unbearably long. It's 3pm now and I'm counting down the hours till I'm off work, but after that, what? wondering if you're also missing me. thinking you are and thinking again about how stupid and pointless it is for us to suffer like this when we could be together. whole body is sore and aching and feeling like this break up is sucking the life blood out of me. thought i would be better today but i guess the process is slower than i thought it would be. almost feel too tired to type even though god knows i've slept enough. thinking about you, babe. miss you so much.

No comments: