I can definitely classify this as one of the shittiest moments of my life. I feel like absolute shit, both emotionally and physically. Things could not get much worse.

I don't understand what happened and this hurts really badly, more than anything that has to do with boys or relationships or stupid crushes. feeling someone close a door on your face. not giving you time to explain. i don't know what i've done to hurt you guys but rest assured you've taught me a lesson and you made me hurt just as much if not more. mission accomplished, i guess.

i've never done or said anything against any one of you or ever behind your back. I loved you from the start and i knew you had my back as much as i had yours. i fucked up yesterday and i know it, but not enough for you to be this angry at me. i can only assume there's some kind of misunderstanding, but if you dont tell me and if you dont want to talk about it, then i have no way to fix it.

i cant understand why there's a need to fight and give people the cold shoulder and bring out the high school drama. i know i'm older but i'm not that much older for there to be such a huge difference in the way we handle things. i just want to deal with things maturely like adults and talk it out. i dont need any drama in my life right now and i just want to live and have fun and treat each other with honesty.

my heart is ready and open to love and accept people. i dont have armour on and i dont have spikes on and i dont have a closed door inside. i dont close a door on someone's face and whisper about them behind their back because i'm angry or because there is a potential misunderstanding. i value our friendship as something genuine and very important to me and i want to treat it with respect.

i understand that you guys are close, closer to each other than you are to me, and that's completely fine and natural to me. but i've come to value our relationship extremely highly and there's no way in fucking hell i'm going to let this misunderstanding or whatever it is endanger that. there's no way in hell i'm not going to talk through it and understand why. because i feel like i deserve better than that, honestly. i deserve to know and i deserve a chance to explain myself too because honest to goodness for all i know i have never done anything, ANYTHING to either of you.

if this is just an eruption of previous issues that you guys have already had with me that maybe i was just oblivious to, then i want you to tell me that too. if i piss you off, then let's talk about it. i dont know. maybe i am a bitch. maybe i did fuck up harder than i thought. i don't know. i just know that i feel like a pretty fucking big loser right now. i cant stand this. please come home.


I quit.

How much of the decision was for me and how much of the decision was for you? Honestly, I don't even know. I just know that no matter what, it's an entirely selfish decision. I need to get my shit together.

Whether you care or notice at all, I want to let you know that I'm clean.

Let my wildcard life begin.