imagine you're drowning

and from under the surface of the water very vaguely you can see a hand reaching down to pull you up from above. and you know that survival is imminent and you feel this rush of hope but there's also this deep sinking feeling inside you and this gush of despair at the same time because you have no idea whether you're going to reach that hand or not. because there's an equal 50/50 chance that you won't reach it.

usually we don't take notice of moments like these ( ok, well, maybe moments a little less dramatic) because they pass by so quickly-- they really only happen for a second, and then either you're saved or you're drowned and you really don't have much time to dwell on the matter. but now imagine that that isn't the case. imagine that you're inhabiting that second indefinitely. that that second of both hope and exhaustion and despair extend until what seems like the end of time.

this is how a college senior feels between completing the final round interview for a job she really wants and finding out the employer's eventual decision. that period of time that seems to stretch on forever that leaves a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach so you keep swallowing and swallowing and trying not to think and it's making you nauseous.

it's no use to keep telling yourself not to think about it and what can i do about it and it's their decision now and whatever happens, happens. that's the rational mind speaking. but we all know our brains aren't ruled by reason. instead the question that keeps coming up is what if i don't get it? i mean if i don't get it i can always look at other options and apply to other things and i have a plan and it's all laid out and it'll be all right and i'll probably get it anyway i mean i think i did well didn't i do well i mean she seemed to like me and by gosh three rounds of interviews to not get it after investing so much time and emotion into it so i definitely i mean i should get it i tried so hard but what if i dont get it what if i dont get it? and god no dont think about it the pain and the exhaustion and the despair and the injury to my pride and having to tell mom and dad and my friends that i'm still indefinitely unemployed for now and the humiliation. oh the humiliation.

the feeling that i'm reaching out for that hand and i'll try to grab it but maybe i'll miss it by an inch. that i might still be waiting in this dark pool indefinitely. and maybe i really will drown.

it sucks the life blood out of you. to have this feeling occupy your every moment but still have to be a student and attend to homework and lectures and internships and part-time jobs. all the while still being dead broke, even though you have no free time to even brush your hair or download a song, because everything you're doing is unpaid, in the hopes of-- at least in the past you were convinced of-- preparing yourself and suffering now, not later, so now you can get a decent degree and draft a great resume and get a killer job and come to live comfortably in the future. but now the future is imminent and you're beginning to feel desperate like you won't actually get a job, you begin to wonder what was all that suffering for then? for nothing? then what are you putting 24/7 of yourself and your time into right now? a huge scam? you half expect some people to pop up from the bleachers and start laughing at you because you've been such an idiot.

to be broke and jobless and a college senior waiting for an employment decision. waiting for the whole world to either come crashing down or for the sun to rise and for everything to be ok and over.

there are other jobs out there, you tell yourself. but the point isn't that. it's not this job. it's what it represents.


the last spring break

life slows down for a millisecond, and now i actually have time to bat an eyelash, to take a deep breath and think,and it's all kind of scary, really, the revelation. it starts to sink in that my youth is really, really, almost over. i'm actually turning a new page, beginning a new chapter in my life. looking past all the panicking and freaking out about the job search and everything, i ask myself to wait a second-- while you're in such a mindless hurry to get a job, you've forgotten that this is also your youth slipping away from you soundlessly, without warning. this is a BIG life decision that you haven't thought about at all! the normal, rational thing is to think i need a job right away-- right this instant. but man it's scary to actually let what that signifies sink in.

is it worth it?? is it really?? i always have another option: apply for a one-year volunteer program in bangladesh, and try to wring the tiny bit of what's left of my youth out for all it's worth. hmm. maybe. possibly. i've never been one to shy away from spontaneous decisions. blow this all off and go abroad and live a little more, experience a little more before i need to settle into that dreadful routine and work to pay the bills and grow old and wrinkled and worst of all, jaded and apathetic.

ugh. my head is always fucking with me. sometimes i just want to crawl under the covers and close my eyes and wish the world away, pretend that i'm living in a faulkner novel.

JAMAICA JAMAICA JUST COME. my head is playing weird games. i need you. moment of clarity please!!!