strange things.

really. i've thought about the month i've had here and everything seems so fucking surreal.
one month ago i came into college not fully prepared, with a limited vision of the future, kind of expecting this to be summer camp and then i'll go back to my former life, boring as it was. one month later college has really started to settle in.

so much has happened that is impossible to write about, but what has happened in this one month alone has been terrifying, horrible, terrific, amazing, everything rolled into one. i've had my down moments, my depressed wanting-to-kill-myself moments, and then i've had the adrenaline rushes and the excited squeals and yes, i've had way too many crushes since i've been here. and it's all happened in such a short amount of time. i've dropped way too much money.. probably more than 1000 bucks, in this first month... i've figured out that cleaning the house and handwashing one's own clothes isn't fun, yet I have to do it because sticking my vintage dresses in the washing machine would be a travesty. i've had very little written homework but a tremendous amount of reading homework, i've been frustrated with numerous amounts of people and then enamoured with others, or maybe even the same people ( at a later time in the day), and trippy shit has happened. scary shit has happened. everything.

and i can still find time to be bored. really, life is a funny thing. and i've changed a lot. though i guess in nature i'm still myself. still May. but a different May? A May actually living in new york city?

it's funny though. i write down all the things i have planned to do in my sticky notes, and there's an overwhelming number of things. but i still feel that sometimes i have nothing to do- in those intervals between event A and event B- like i cant sit still for one minute and just entertain myself, like i have to be occupied every single second. that is so not like the person i was before. i'd waste away endless amounts of time online, bored, nothing to do. i wasn't the type that constantly would go out and seek activity. but in college i've grown so restless. i check my cellphone every single minute- and if you know me from China you know i'm infamous for NEVER checking my cellphone and never picking up calls. well, that's changed significantly.. i can hardly walk around the apartment without my cellphone in my hand nowadays- really!
and then i'm j-walking across the street, half asleep in the morning, along with the rest of the new york crowd. yes, i have ceased to care about traffic. and i have ceased to notice the traffic lights. new york has converted me. i walk with my vision straight across but not really looking, my eyes on other things, so that i might pass the same restaurant a million times and still not recall ever seeing it in my life. i guess in a way i've become a constantly-in-a-rush new yorker, the type who can no longer stop to smell the roses.

in this past month i've had plenty of moments in which i wanted to stop and slit my wrists, scattered at regular intervals ( I had one today, actually), many fits in my head, depressing moments- but then again i also feel that my appreciation for life has increased so much- i can see beauty in the sky, on the streets, on the architecture, in all the people i meet. there's a constant conflict in everything that has happened. i can wake up in the morning, completely emo, then go into the afternoon ecstatic. i cant explain it. once again, it's bipolar, it's a bipolar life i lead. everything's either awesome or horrible, nothing's in between. in a way i guess that's exciting, but it's also pretty exhausting.

my sleep cycle is fucked. i cant fall asleep before 2:30 am- actually, make that 3 am- and getting up at 10:00 or 11:20 for classes is hard as hell- feels like 6 in the morning. i'm eating random shit- whatever i can find- if i have something for lunch, i can have the same thing for dinner, and then again the next day- i cant even be bothered, and yet i still manage to overeat and inch myself towards the freshman fifteen. probably also because i'm eating a ridiculous amount of chcolate, either in cookie form, pocky form, ice cream form, cake form or just plain old chocolate form.

i'm completely restless. i cant even sit still properly to watch something on youtube without getting distracted. it's completely bizarre. i can go out for myself on long walks, just wandering around aimlessly looking at stuff, and not want to go back to my dorm. i guess i'm becoming wild, haha. and i dont even mind the rain that much anymore. there are just so many things i want to do. every single second i'm not doing something i feel like i'm missing out. this is so unhealthy but in a way kind of exhilerating. i dont even know how to explain it.

all i can say, college hit me like a slap in the face. and it hurt like a motherfucker. now i've gotten used to getting bitchslapped by life every day. and i have to say i kind of like it.


life is awesome

October 23rd- Crystal Castles and Fujiya& Miyagi
November 5th- The Decemberists
November 22nd- Bishop Allen

what more could i want?

p.s "Wuthering Heights" is the most depressing novel ever written. it is filled with people freaking out about nothing and dying left and right.

and I thought "Jane Eyre" was bad...


famous people i've seen in new york tally

famous people i've seen in new york so far: 3

1) james franco, in front of tisch,
2) agyness deyn, on the street, 3rd ave. and st. mark's place
3) connor paolo ( eric from gossip girl), in front of third north, presumably living here


i hate rain!

i hate rain i hate rain i hate rain i hate rain i hate rain. i hate getting drenched, i hate how my feet get nasty, i hate how it's cold, i just FUCKING HATE IT.
that aside, why has it rained every single friday since like august? life is bullshit.
i'm so tired i could fall asleep right now, and it's 3:41 pm. i guess staying out late the night before you have 10 am community service meeting/classes and then telling yourself to "suck it up" isn't such a good idea after all.
things i want to complain about, because i am a compulsive complainer:

1. how it's raining ( duh.)
2. how it's always so cold in new york city.
3. how i still havent found a decent club in new york city that doesn't play shitty music, though they must exist!
4. how there's a retarded age limit and actually people who check your ID.
5. how i'm spending way too much money
6. how the library next to third north really sucks
7. a million other things and etc

i feel like i am once again tip toe-ing on the realm of depression. today must be a "oh my god wtf am i doing here" day.

depressing lyrics of the day:

How Soon Is Now

- The Smiths

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

i can't find a photo that is relevant, therefore, hot asian guy photo:


i was a tourist today.

i walked about 80 blocks today. from my dorm to 54th street and 5th avenue, then took a subway to chinatown with lisa :), then from canal street and broadway back to my dorm.
and this is what i was listening to as i walked:

"Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together."
"I've got some real estate here in my bag."
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies

And we walked off to look for America

"Kathy," I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
"Michigan seems like a dream to me now"
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America

Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces

She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy

I said "Be careful his bowtie is really a camera"

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat"
"We smoked the last one an hour ago"
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America

Simon and Garfunkel give me shivers down my spine.

i was playing a game at first, wondering how far i could really walk without getting tired, it was such a beautiful day. and then i bumped into the MOMA, which couldn't be more perfect- i've wanted to see the Salvador Dali exhibit for hell knows how long ( ok, ever since i saw a poster advertising the exhibition on a city bus.)
it was absolutely mind-blowing- astronomically good and inspiring. i wrote down a few words, inspired by him; some things i have had on my mind.


here i am, wandering about you.

in my memory, us two windswept figures, lost and lonely
then you stepping into the light, reminiscent of dreams.

that sickening tangle of sticky sweet limbs that we were, coalesced again and again,
we shaped ourselves to each other's curves,
but our eyes did not meet when they should.

and with the burning palm of your hand you melted away what we were,
with the tip of your tongue you erased what we could be.
and now you have me dip dyed in your colours.

but i cant. you are an island, your heart is derelict, in your fortress, in your sand-
i can only reach you sometimes by riding on the sweep of a wave.
but waves come not often enough
and my sea will never immerse you.

i have finally realized, i have been waiting for nothing.


your heart is an empty room

Burn it down
Until the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face, how it ages when you're away
The spring blooms
Then you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Because the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see
Is where else you could be
When you're at home
And out on the street
Are so many possibilities
To not be alone

Flames and smoke
Climbed out of every window
And disappeared
With everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear
For the things that you didn't need
Because you knew you were finally free

And all you see
Is where else you could be
When you're at home
And out on the street
Are so many possibilities
To not be alone.

i wish we could all just connect. that's such a lame thing to say on my first blog post in this new blog, but really, being in such a huge city can be ironically so isolating. the lyrics of this song are breathtakingly beautiful- because they hold true. out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone- yet we always move in the cocoon of our surroundings, our own little world. if only we could all bare our hearts. that expression- heart on my sleeve- i wish that was true, i wish people would walk around with their naked hearts on their sleeves, not shamefaced about their passions or their secrets, ready and willing to connect with anyone around them. i think that would be an amazing revolution. life is so short, too short to be spent hiding behind things, worrying about embarrassments and face and appearance, when really there are all these people around us that are so pure and beautiful and so similar to us, if only we could connect with everyone, just really sit down and share our thoughts, bare our souls, and be free to love and to live. i sound like such a prat, i know, but i cant help it. rainy days make me feel this way- i'm overall way too sentimental. but really. my mind wanders. and i wish that life was something different- not talking about the meaning of life or anything abstract like that. i just wonder why we all are how we are. we all seem to be so different on the surface, but we are all so the same in the way that we are so human, we have the same hopes and fears and passions, and if we could all just- connect on that level, that primal level in which we share so many things- then....

i'm saying, if only everyone was willing to bare their hearts. and talk to each other. just fucking connect. then no would ever be alone in this world anymore.