wrote this on the plane from shanghai to ewr. here it is in its full glory.

So this is it. It’s all over. No more nights out, no more dinners, no more days, no more classes, no more shanghai. No more being reckless, sleepless nights, abusing our youth. This is it. Back to reality.

I’ve given some thought to what I want to write about in this blog post, and no form seems adequate to express the entirety of what I felt about this experience. So I think, instead of doing anything super official or more narrative-like, I would like to shout out to some of my favorite/ not so favorite memories and the people here who really made my semester. Think of it as a series of vignettes that piece together somewhat of a whole. The theme of the semester was definitely “insanity,” so here are my top insane moments (in no particular order):

1.Beijing- spark all night, getting 2 hours of sleep, then climbing the great wall
2.Getting high as a kite and singing “hello” with everyone in 1003
3.Everything about w-gate
4.Finding out about the passing of ilya ☹
5.Last night- falling down the stairs and bleeding
6.Everything that happened on those crazy orientation nights... making irresponsible decisions
7.Hungover at my internship multiple times, one time to the extent that I had to call in and pretend to be sick. then spent the next day eating at canto place and laying around in bed complaining
8.Shot for shot.. and what shouldn't have happened after
9.Doing nails and gossiping, balcony smoke sessions
10.Finding a live bug while stir-frying vegetables
11. Drinking a whole bottle of wine myself while whining to everyone in my vicinity about you-know-who

And many, many more that I can’t even remember. I met so many special people here, had so much fun, made so many stupid decisions and so many amazing ones. I love everyone who made this semester awesome—even the people who hurt me, because you’re only hurt by the ones you love—and I loved you all. Specifically:

S&M (haha):
There may have been drama and we can’t all love each other at 100% 100% of the time, but I’m confident that in you guys I’ve found lifelong friends. The days and nights we’ve been through together—nothing can replace that. Gonna love you guys forever, my yin and yang 902 twins.

W:
The biggest theme of my semester—I’m sure to everyone else, I must have looked pretty fucking retarded, but I don’t regret anything. I’m not going to lie, you hurt me, and when I told you how I felt, your joking reaction was really less than appropriate, but I don’t hate you and never will. It’s impossible. There’s a reason why I liked you so much, though I can’t even tell you what it is myself, but that is also the reason why I will always remember you as someone who made my time here awesome—not miserable. I’m so glad that now we’re friends.

E&A:
I’ve honestly always lacked actual, platonic guy friends in my life, and this semester you guys were there for me—through everything. You were patient with me, listened to me blab about shit that you really shouldn’t be subjected to the misery to hear about, and always had my back. For that, I really love you guys.

And all my other amazing friends here. Too many to name.

We had the best group of people in Shanghai this Fall. This is an experience I’m going to retain in my heart forever—even when I’m old and wrinkled, and staying up past 11 is unthought of, let alone staying out all night then chugging noodle man—and thinking that this is goodbye is incredibly hard.

A part of me is so exhausted in every single way and can’t wait to touch down on American soil, but a part of me knows so well that I’ve just left one of the best experiences of a lifetime.

Listening to my shanghai experience and I’m smiling at all those memories that are still so fresh in my mind. Shanghai, if I can’t keep you forever, I’m going to lock you in a song.

And what else could it be?

finale

This is it. The final stretch. And I’m not talking about my studies or anything.

Tonight I’m going to follow my heart. Let myself go. Not care what anyone thinks about anything I do. Because I sure as hell am not about to leave Shanghai with any regrets.

Shanghai, you’ve treated me well. You’ve taught me to grow up, taught me just how much fun I can have being young, taught me that there are no limits to the night. Shanghai, you’ve also taught me what it feels like to get hurt, to be betrayed, and to cry. But all of that is going to be worth it in the end. I want to leave this city feeling like I’ve went through the experience of a lifetime. And I have a feeling that I will.

Here’s to Shanghai, and here’s to you.


Beautiful

You had me
From the very first time
I laid my eyes on you
And decided that
That was what I wanted.

That night
For the first time in my life
I was allowed the luxury
of not just admiring from afar.

Thank you for sharing
A bit of your dazzling beauty with me.
Even though it was short lived,
Even though
To you
It may have meant nothing at all

To me
It was everything.

And this whole time
I could have given my heart
To anybody here
But I chose you.

I know you didn’t
Choose me,
But that’s okay.

I’m not ashamed of
Wanting something beautiful.
Don’t we all want the same?

And I’m not going to be ashamed,
Tonight,
Of anything I do.

Because I know I’m better than
A fleeting hookup
A regret you want buried
In the recesses of your mind.

I know I’m better than
Hiding my feelings
Just because I don’t want
Others to judge,
Because I’m scared of what you’d think
When you know.

I think you already know
And if you don’t,
I want you to.

Tonight I want to let you know
That I cared about you.

Tonight I want to let you know
No matter how irrational this may sound
That you meant a lot to me.

Tonight I want to let you know
That you’re beautiful, one-of-a-kind,
Even everything I hate about you.

Tonight I want to let you know
You kind of broke my heart.
But you made my semester.

Thank you for making me feel, for a moment, special.
Thank you for giving me your attention, thank you
For remembering my name.
And most of all
Thank you for being beautiful.

Here’s a secret
only for you:
I’d rather swim in dirty water
Than get lost
in any deep blue sea.