it's a funny feeling, going back and reading old blog posts. If we humans existed soley in the fragmented timeline of the blogosphere, the verdict on me would surely be that of someone mentally unsound. Let's see...It goes something like this: post #25 screams "I love you." post #26 says "you're fucking playing games with me. post #27 is pretty determined to kick your sorry ass to the curb. But here we are in post #28, and hey, i'm your girlfriend. yup, she's crazy.
Only when I read back through the slew of posts does it become apparent again how much of an utter rollercoaster this relationship has been. And to think, not to be cheesy, but we've come this far. Or I have, at least, in my head. Maybe I've only mistaken denial for acceptance. It's funny how people often get those two very opposite things mixed up. But I guess if a "honeymoon period" existed in all relationships, I must be living in it right now.
I really do like you a lot. That doesn't mean that all those things that pissed me off about you before have ceased to exist. I've just chosen to ignore them. Of course, they still pop up time to time, in moments like last night, when, in what I thought was a blazing, good moment to crystalize forever in loving ecstacy, you mumbled the name of that blonde bitch you used to sleep with. After picking myself up out of the debris of my shattered dreams, i sincerely questioned what the fuck I was doing there. I considered leaving in a huff, but you were already passed out on the bed snoring and probably wouldn't have noticed.
so there are sucky times. but then I think, maybe it's time to stop unrealistically wishing for a perfect romance. Maybe all my life I've been looking for someone to walk in and fit perfectly into the "you" character in Bright Eyes' haunting "First Day Of My Life." But then I also realized a while ago that believing in love at first sight has probably been one of the greatest tragedies of my existence. Maybe you exist to remind me that life isn't about constantly hurtling oneself at destruction mistaken for romance. Even when I find you extremely condescending, I have to admit that you ground me, somewhat. you've come along and told me, not in so many words, that I have to act and live like an adult.
And it's nice to look at someone with admiration and see them looking down at you with something of the same sort in their eyes. I know you still can't believe that i ranked intelligence as my number one thing when looking for somebody to be with. But the truth is, above all, it's your brilliance that draws me to you. It's the fire that keeps the slow burn going and is what keeps me, despite all complaints, by your side and in this for the long haul.