don't turn the lights on

I'm not a great person. I'll be the first to admit that. I make bad decisions. In fact, I make bad decisions a lot. I've hurt people, I've been hurt, and I've been hurt in a way that serves me right. I don't give enough to charity, and I don't find change for homeless people who ask me for it on the street. When a stranger passes by and asks for a light, i say i don't have one even when i do. I never thought that was really a problem. I could always pull out an excuse from my full stockroom of excuses to justify my actions. "we are human, we are flawed" is a popular one.

But it's times like these when I really think about how I've been acting, when I really wonder if whatever I do can be justified. I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm twenty now (shudder) and the world is real. My life is real and my decisions are real and I need to be accountable for them. I've made a lot of poor decisions recently. I feel that I can potentially be hurting a lot of people, people that I'm close to, and I just can't stop. I don't need to be weak. The decisions I've made won't necessarily bring me joy, but I keep making them. It's as if I just want to see what will happen. How much I can get away with. If I really have this kind of power to let a fuck up in my own life become a problem for others. Pretty sadistic, right? pretty fucked up.

I'm just not in the right frame of mind. city living is wearing me out. the nine to five is wearing me out. I'm so tired all the time yet I'm so, so fucking bored. I just go looking for trouble because I want something to happen. It's the first time being incredibly busy is incredibly uninspiring. I haven't had a break in so long, and that is why I am looking forward to this upcoming china trip so much. I just know china will sort me out. Being away from the city for a moment, being away from what my immediate living environment is now ( and I have to admit it, though in my heart I will forever be a girl living in China's capital city), just being in Beijing will give me time to think and time to reflect and time to be a little bit more rational. See I've never been an irrational person. I'm just making irrational decisions, because, well because I'm in New York.

That's me justifying it again. with another excuse from the stockroom of excuses. I keep it pretty well stocked back there. I just can't stand being here for another day. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared I'm going to do something unforgivable. I wish I could escape back to New jersey, back to my mother's house and spend a weekend on cold cherries and library books and bad driving like I always do and purge my mind. But I can't now, not in the middle of the week. and there are still three more days until Beijing. I hope I can last it.