i dont think it is possible to accurately, comprehensively describe the feeling of being in beijing. when i stepped off the plane and was covered in a swarm of fresh mongolian sand, and i looked to the horizon and saw nothing because of the thick layer of pollution in the air, i was overwhelmed with such a strong feeling of home that i could barely breathe. these few days i have been walking around with a sense of wonder, joy and slight melancholy.

it still hasn't sunk in that i am actually here. i amaze myself with how i know this city, how after a year of seperation i touch ground still knowing every corner to turn, every subway station, every hangout. of course beijing has changed, and there are many new things, but the map of the city is still relatively the same. only now do i feel the extent of the emptiness that engulfed me in new york; the feeling of being torn from home in such a helpless way. i get it now. this is why i have been depressed.

being here is such a feeling that i am already overwhelmed with a chronic sense of panic knowing that i have to leave. and i just got here. i no longer love this city. being here ten years, love is not the correct word anymore. it has become a part of me. i belong here. this is home. this is it, for good or for bad, whether i like it or not.

but i have also come back a changed person. i'm definitely more jaded, more adult, more experienced. i dont come back as a high school student, so this time things are different. even when out i know i radiate a new kind of energy, and i attract different happenings to me. for good or for bad. i have changed and i have also changed beijing for myself. what does not change is how i over-analyze, how i'm still a little girl at heart, secretly innocent, gullible, naiive. listening to the blow, i still nod with every word, choked up with emotion at every verse. it is funny how simple words always capture the most complex emotions.


Hey Boy
Why you didn't call me?
I waited for days
I can't believe you didn't call

Hey Boy
Why you didn't call me?
I waited for days
I can't believe you didn't call

A. You're gay
B. You've got a girlfriend
C. You kinda thought I came on too strong or
D. I just wasn't your thing
no ring

Hey Boy
Why you didn't call me?
I waited for days
I can't believe you didn't call

When we sat outside for an hour at the party and talked
I thought something good could be starting
It's not a lot that I want
just some talking
and really, you just injured my pride

Hey Boy
Why you didn't call me?
I waited for days
I can't believe you didn't call

Susan said that maybe you're scared
Shelly says there always is a reason
and Chris said you're probably surrounded by girls and I'm just not one of them you're needing

[at least i know i will get over it. i'm in beijing and i am so happy and complete and ready for anything. ]


what i think about love

maybe adam and eve had it all
before the fall.
maybe she already
tasted heaven in his arms
maybe just the arc of his nose
was enough to make her
forget the one above.

you often argue that the serpent
tempted away their love
just like the unbuttoned shirt
of a secretary today
foretells the return of wedding rings tomorrow.
and there is no love, you say,
that lasts,
and you cry.

but i am a romantic pessimist
if those do exist
and to me, love is you
within my reach--
your dazzling beauty maybe too much
for a promise of tomorrow
but enough to keep me
at a loss for words



[ I wrote this a while back but chanced upon it today so here it is. no danger in posting it now.]

barely even know you
no, i don't know you at all
and i'm lovestruck.
it must be that faint recognition
a semi-familiar face in this sea of strangers,
your confident swagger, bad boy habits a pleasant surprise,
not who i thought you were,
once again i've fallen in like with a stranger.
once again i've fallen in like with the first cute boy that i meet.
our two sentences,
exchanged in a detached, other world, do you remember them?
they hang in the air, shining.
gone, but they've traced the tattoo of a maze.
me at the entrance, not confident, not bad enough,
maybe not who you want,
but ready.