really. i've thought about the month i've had here and everything seems so fucking surreal.
one month ago i came into college not fully prepared, with a limited vision of the future, kind of expecting this to be summer camp and then i'll go back to my former life, boring as it was. one month later college has really started to settle in.
so much has happened that is impossible to write about, but what has happened in this one month alone has been terrifying, horrible, terrific, amazing, everything rolled into one. i've had my down moments, my depressed wanting-to-kill-myself moments, and then i've had the adrenaline rushes and the excited squeals and yes, i've had way too many crushes since i've been here. and it's all happened in such a short amount of time. i've dropped way too much money.. probably more than 1000 bucks, in this first month... i've figured out that cleaning the house and handwashing one's own clothes isn't fun, yet I have to do it because sticking my vintage dresses in the washing machine would be a travesty. i've had very little written homework but a tremendous amount of reading homework, i've been frustrated with numerous amounts of people and then enamoured with others, or maybe even the same people ( at a later time in the day), and trippy shit has happened. scary shit has happened. everything.
and i can still find time to be bored. really, life is a funny thing. and i've changed a lot. though i guess in nature i'm still myself. still May. but a different May? A May actually living in new york city?
it's funny though. i write down all the things i have planned to do in my sticky notes, and there's an overwhelming number of things. but i still feel that sometimes i have nothing to do- in those intervals between event A and event B- like i cant sit still for one minute and just entertain myself, like i have to be occupied every single second. that is so not like the person i was before. i'd waste away endless amounts of time online, bored, nothing to do. i wasn't the type that constantly would go out and seek activity. but in college i've grown so restless. i check my cellphone every single minute- and if you know me from China you know i'm infamous for NEVER checking my cellphone and never picking up calls. well, that's changed significantly.. i can hardly walk around the apartment without my cellphone in my hand nowadays- really!
and then i'm j-walking across the street, half asleep in the morning, along with the rest of the new york crowd. yes, i have ceased to care about traffic. and i have ceased to notice the traffic lights. new york has converted me. i walk with my vision straight across but not really looking, my eyes on other things, so that i might pass the same restaurant a million times and still not recall ever seeing it in my life. i guess in a way i've become a constantly-in-a-rush new yorker, the type who can no longer stop to smell the roses.
in this past month i've had plenty of moments in which i wanted to stop and slit my wrists, scattered at regular intervals ( I had one today, actually), many fits in my head, depressing moments- but then again i also feel that my appreciation for life has increased so much- i can see beauty in the sky, on the streets, on the architecture, in all the people i meet. there's a constant conflict in everything that has happened. i can wake up in the morning, completely emo, then go into the afternoon ecstatic. i cant explain it. once again, it's bipolar, it's a bipolar life i lead. everything's either awesome or horrible, nothing's in between. in a way i guess that's exciting, but it's also pretty exhausting.
my sleep cycle is fucked. i cant fall asleep before 2:30 am- actually, make that 3 am- and getting up at 10:00 or 11:20 for classes is hard as hell- feels like 6 in the morning. i'm eating random shit- whatever i can find- if i have something for lunch, i can have the same thing for dinner, and then again the next day- i cant even be bothered, and yet i still manage to overeat and inch myself towards the freshman fifteen. probably also because i'm eating a ridiculous amount of chcolate, either in cookie form, pocky form, ice cream form, cake form or just plain old chocolate form.
i'm completely restless. i cant even sit still properly to watch something on youtube without getting distracted. it's completely bizarre. i can go out for myself on long walks, just wandering around aimlessly looking at stuff, and not want to go back to my dorm. i guess i'm becoming wild, haha. and i dont even mind the rain that much anymore. there are just so many things i want to do. every single second i'm not doing something i feel like i'm missing out. this is so unhealthy but in a way kind of exhilerating. i dont even know how to explain it.
all i can say, college hit me like a slap in the face. and it hurt like a motherfucker. now i've gotten used to getting bitchslapped by life every day. and i have to say i kind of like it.