life slows down for a millisecond, and now i actually have time to bat an eyelash, to take a deep breath and think,and it's all kind of scary, really, the revelation. it starts to sink in that my youth is really, really, almost over. i'm actually turning a new page, beginning a new chapter in my life. looking past all the panicking and freaking out about the job search and everything, i ask myself to wait a second-- while you're in such a mindless hurry to get a job, you've forgotten that this is also your youth slipping away from you soundlessly, without warning. this is a BIG life decision that you haven't thought about at all! the normal, rational thing is to think i need a job right away-- right this instant. but man it's scary to actually let what that signifies sink in.
is it worth it?? is it really?? i always have another option: apply for a one-year volunteer program in bangladesh, and try to wring the tiny bit of what's left of my youth out for all it's worth. hmm. maybe. possibly. i've never been one to shy away from spontaneous decisions. blow this all off and go abroad and live a little more, experience a little more before i need to settle into that dreadful routine and work to pay the bills and grow old and wrinkled and worst of all, jaded and apathetic.
ugh. my head is always fucking with me. sometimes i just want to crawl under the covers and close my eyes and wish the world away, pretend that i'm living in a faulkner novel.
JAMAICA JAMAICA JUST COME. my head is playing weird games. i need you. moment of clarity please!!!