currently listening: pyramid- nightbox
revisiting music i listened to the past to, as cheesy as it sounds, rediscover who i am. this semester, i feel like i've turned into a completely different person. that's always been one of my flaws-- adapting a little too seamlessly into new environments, to the extent that sometimes i even lose sight of who i really am, who i should be, and the values i should hold on to.
i don't want to say i feel like i've become a despicable person, or that i completely reject the way my time at NYU in Shanghai has changed me. that wouldn't be true. i think i've also seen many good changes in myself. but i've also become meaner, more dramatic, and definitely more naiive.
i need to kick myself in the butt and realize-- i'm 21 years old. i'm a graduating senior. i'm not young and uninhibited anymore. unfortunately.
a little earlier in the semester, a friend i met here asked me if, because i was graduating soon, i was"looking for something serious." at the time, i said no-- not really, i can't find something serious anyway so now i'm just having fun. now, i've pretty much realized i was straight up lying/ in denial. of course i'm looking for something serious. i'm so sick and tired of being alone. but my sky-high standards and ridiculous tendency to run after everything i can't have has consistently blocked me from finding anything close to love.
i refuse to give anybody i'm not attracted to immediately a chance. and i'm starting to think maybe i should change that. i'm thinking about all the non-things i've had with people in the past, especially you, i guess, and the pretty much heartless way i rejected you right before i came to shanghai. i found you suddenly annoying and even repulsive, just because you had the nerve to tell me that you liked me. i have no idea why i reacted like that. i know as well as you did that there was something between us. that that wasn't just friendship. something seemed to be building up to happen-- but I feel like we missed taking hold of it when it was still possible. and then it kind of fizzled out, and when you finally made a move it was too late. which really sucks, because we could have had something so beautiful. and i'm so sorry for the way i treated you.
it's funny because sometimes i'm the bitch, sometimes i'm the heartbreaker, but i still think most of the time i'm the fool. most of the time i'm the loser who gets her heart trampled on all over. case in point- this semester. i think i probably should be massively embarrassed right now because pretty much everyone in the program at this point ( speculation) probably knows who I had a thing for, and if i were them i would be laughing at me hard right now, because he is pretty much one of the only people in the whole program who a girl should NOT be having feelings for.
I set myself up to be hurt and I set myself up to be a fool. there's no use clarifying to everyone now that those feelings are over, that I'm done with that, because honestly what's important is that it's over in my own mind-- not that everyone knows it, that's irrelevant. and i'm sick and tired of everyone knowing my shit and making their own speculations. honestly, in the past there was only one thing i really wanted to know, and that was what you thought about the whole shebang. i suppose in my heart there was always this pathetic little hope that maybe you thought differently of me, that maybe you saw how nice i was to you and how much i cared about you, that maybe you could see me as more than just a semi-attractive girl you hooked up with. that maybe i could make you like me. i really threw away my pride and i tried. and you don't know me-- i'm NEVER, EVER proactive.
but now, i don't want to do any of those things anymore. i'm fed up with you. i'm even fed up with the fantasy i made of you, disregarding your personality and focusing on your looks. i don't even care what you think anymore, because these days, everything has become clearer and clearer to me, and the situation is pretty much hopeless. you are not to be changed. you're selfish, inconsiderate, and you've built up a wall so thick and tall around your real emotions and around your heart that no one in hell is going to get in-- at least not now. who knows, maybe you're insecure and vulnerable and just kind of socially awkward inside. or maybe you're just as much of an ignorant asshole as the image you project.
either way, the situation that's happening right now is pretty much the worst case scenario i could ever imagine-- not only are you not out of my life, you're flaunting in my face every day the fallacy of the retarded feelings I had. you and her, in front of me-- the situation could not be more ironic. but you guys suit each other, in a way. you have things to say to each other. i honestly have nothing to say to you, nothing except-- "what's the drink you're drinking there?" because we have nothing in common. and honestly, that's probably a good thing. i still would rather not see you and her. it upsets me more than anything. but that's another story, i guess. one that i don't really want to get into.
there are only a few more weeks to the semester. i think i'm going to pull through. i'm going to miss shanghai and all the amazing people i've met here, the amazing time i had. but i'm probably not going to miss this crazy emotional roller coaster and the dramatic little bitch i've become. oh god. i wonder what's going to happen tomorrow.