life slows down for a millisecond, and now i actually have time to bat an eyelash, to take a deep breath and think,and it's all kind of scary, really, the revelation. it starts to sink in that my youth is really, really, almost over. i'm actually turning a new page, beginning a new chapter in my life. looking past all the panicking and freaking out about the job search and everything, i ask myself to wait a second-- while you're in such a mindless hurry to get a job, you've forgotten that this is also your youth slipping away from you soundlessly, without warning. this is a BIG life decision that you haven't thought about at all! the normal, rational thing is to think i need a job right away-- right this instant. but man it's scary to actually let what that signifies sink in.
is it worth it?? is it really?? i always have another option: apply for a one-year volunteer program in bangladesh, and try to wring the tiny bit of what's left of my youth out for all it's worth. hmm. maybe. possibly. i've never been one to shy away from spontaneous decisions. blow this all off and go abroad and live a little more, experience a little more before i need to settle into that dreadful routine and work to pay the bills and grow old and wrinkled and worst of all, jaded and apathetic.
ugh. my head is always fucking with me. sometimes i just want to crawl under the covers and close my eyes and wish the world away, pretend that i'm living in a faulkner novel.
JAMAICA JAMAICA JUST COME. my head is playing weird games. i need you. moment of clarity please!!!
3.11.2012
2.13.2012
life continues to slap me in the face.
I'm exhausted. I really am. Emotionally.
Discouraged. Ego bruised. Generally down. Tired of recruiting. Tired of networking. Tired of filling out application after application, only to be answered with rejection after rejection. Tired of waiting for nothing to come into fruition. Most of all, tired of what growing up entails, if what it entails is the gradual coming into belief that nobody will take me, that nobody will want me, that I'm actually not good enough.
It's funny. I used to freak out about things like boys. Now those things couldn't be pushed further to the fringes of my mind. I think I'd sell my soul for a job offer right now. Maybe. Probably.
I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe to my friends and the people around me; a universe of job applications and corporate presentations and general panic attacks. I feel like I've long since gone to another planet, in fact. I'm in an astronaut suit looking down at the earth, at my roommates eating pinkberry and my friends partying in meatpacking and my mom watering the garden. I'm in lalaland by myself, having absolutely no fun at all.
Yep. The days of my youth truly are over. I'm no longer young enough to beg my mama for money to buy myself frivolous clothing and accessory items and elaborate socially-obligated meals. Yep. I'm a senior in college. And the next stop on this line is unemployment.
Optimistic, right? I wish I could be more optimistic. I used to be. Clutching my resume, smart blazer round my shoulders, black patent heels, my mascara on perfect, I was confident. I knew my resume was baller. I knew I had good references. I knew I had awesome experience. And most of all, I knew I could do well at the job I was applying to. But now I'm starting to realize that maybe all that wasn't enough. That maybe I had overestimated myself.
I don't have any connections. I don't have any backdoor contacts. My undergraduate degree is not business-related. I don't go to stern and I don't know how to network. What if this is my downfall?
I'm terrified, horrified, appalled. Mostly terrified. I don't want to be that girl my mom's friends will gossip about, so-and-so's daughter who insisted on majoring in something useless like English and as expected, graduated without a job. I don't want to be that embarrassment. I want to be a proves-you-wrong. Not a well-we-all-saw-that-coming.
I never was a perfectionist. I never was an overachiever. I never wanted to be extraordinary. I just want to be good, and I was always good enough.
But I'm just not so sure anymore.
Discouraged. Ego bruised. Generally down. Tired of recruiting. Tired of networking. Tired of filling out application after application, only to be answered with rejection after rejection. Tired of waiting for nothing to come into fruition. Most of all, tired of what growing up entails, if what it entails is the gradual coming into belief that nobody will take me, that nobody will want me, that I'm actually not good enough.
It's funny. I used to freak out about things like boys. Now those things couldn't be pushed further to the fringes of my mind. I think I'd sell my soul for a job offer right now. Maybe. Probably.
I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe to my friends and the people around me; a universe of job applications and corporate presentations and general panic attacks. I feel like I've long since gone to another planet, in fact. I'm in an astronaut suit looking down at the earth, at my roommates eating pinkberry and my friends partying in meatpacking and my mom watering the garden. I'm in lalaland by myself, having absolutely no fun at all.
Yep. The days of my youth truly are over. I'm no longer young enough to beg my mama for money to buy myself frivolous clothing and accessory items and elaborate socially-obligated meals. Yep. I'm a senior in college. And the next stop on this line is unemployment.
Optimistic, right? I wish I could be more optimistic. I used to be. Clutching my resume, smart blazer round my shoulders, black patent heels, my mascara on perfect, I was confident. I knew my resume was baller. I knew I had good references. I knew I had awesome experience. And most of all, I knew I could do well at the job I was applying to. But now I'm starting to realize that maybe all that wasn't enough. That maybe I had overestimated myself.
I don't have any connections. I don't have any backdoor contacts. My undergraduate degree is not business-related. I don't go to stern and I don't know how to network. What if this is my downfall?
I'm terrified, horrified, appalled. Mostly terrified. I don't want to be that girl my mom's friends will gossip about, so-and-so's daughter who insisted on majoring in something useless like English and as expected, graduated without a job. I don't want to be that embarrassment. I want to be a proves-you-wrong. Not a well-we-all-saw-that-coming.
I never was a perfectionist. I never was an overachiever. I never wanted to be extraordinary. I just want to be good, and I was always good enough.
But I'm just not so sure anymore.
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