when we first broke up, there were two questions I couldn't stop asking myself; probably the two most cliche questions in the whole wide world. but they were also two questions I couldn't let go of, no matter how much thinking of them hurt. With time, I told myself to stop. I started to move on, to understand and to accept. I started to actually be happy again. My friends taught me there were other things out there, and i learned there were other guys out there. we met and talked it out and i felt like we achieved an understanding, albeit a sad one. I felt like I could start again. But I didn't know that post breakup depression came in waves. the second wave hit when you didn't text me back. I thought I wouldn't care- i mean, you had no obligation to. we're not dating anymore, we're supposedly "friends," and you have no obligation to care about me anymore. but it started to bother me more than anything else. i thought it was so rude and inconsiderate. I didn't understand how you could go from caring so much to not caring at all in an instant. is this really all i meant to you? do i really mean so little that you can just forget to text me back now, even though just two weeks ago you were texting me every day telling me you missed me, kissing me on the forehead, holding me in your arms? and the second wave of shittiness came, and i'm sitting here feeling like shit, having to take a sick day on the day we were supposed to leave for Bermuda together. in one night, you changed my whole life. you ripped everything i had worked on, everything i had invested in, away from me. you fucked me over so hard, and only now am i starting to feel the resentment-- overdue, i guess. when a girl asks you if you're falling for her, how could your first reaction be to break up with her? how could all of those things, everything we built and everything we shared, just suddenly cease to exist, suddenly become meaningless? I wished I would never get to this point, but I'm beginning to question everything we had now, even though I know that will only bring me pain. I know it was a stupid idea to expect to be friends so quickly, and I also know that I had been in denial when I told myself I had moved on. I didn't want you out of my life just like that. Five fucking months of you meaning everything to me, of investing in and nurturing what we had, and you threw it all away in a one night epiphany. I don't want to be the victim of your fucking journey of self-discovery. I don't want you to learn and grow at my expense. sorry, but can i be selfish for once? can i, for one second, not always care and look out for you and give you the benefit of the doubt, as I did time and time again? I built you up in my head to be this person who could do no wrong, you were just flawed, you were great, it was me who fucked up everything. but it's not true. you didn't appreciate me. you didn't value me. you were inconsiderate, rude, and you were a fucking asshole. why oh why did i give you 100% when you wouldn't even give me 50?? and why oh why was I okay with having that continue? I was prepared to throw all of my self worth away as long as you would take me back. but of course, the cruel joke is you won't. no matter how much I offer. Because I'm not the product you came to buy. when you don't want something, you don't want it even if it's given to you for free. and really, this time did I have to be that girl? But how can i so easily forget all the great times we shared together, how happy i felt when i was with you, all those things you did that i thought proved you really did like me, how could i just erase all that we had? and even after all this time, those two questions won't leave me alone, the two most cliche questions in the world. Two questions with answers I can't find, or perhaps answers I just can't and don't want to swallow.

How could you do this to me? How could you hurt me like this?

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