existential crisis

back from beijing. i have to say i've been hit with a strong wave of what is akin to depression. i am even convinced that i have become uglier when i look in the mirror. my skin seems to be not cooperating. i just KNOW that i've gained weight. i even feel dumber.
i know it's silly to feel like this and i am privileged and i have a great year ahead of me ( potentially) and blah blah, but i just can't get the energy up to feel excited about anything. before i went back to beijing this july, i always suspected i was missing out big time in new jersey. 3 weeks in china confirmed my suspicions. i WAS missing out. hugely. i have to say these past three weeks have probably made up one of the best, if not the best, summer of my life. best summer of my life in 3 weeks. and now i'm back in new jersey.
i've come to realize that i love beijing so much it hurts inside. it hurts to be there, it hurts even more to leave. even when i'm having the time of my life in beijing i still feel irrevocably sad, because i know i have to leave. it's the most ridiculous conflict of emotions. it's scary, the feeling that i just cannot tear myself away from that city, and yet i am forced to tear myself away again and again.
like colin meloy sings, melancholically, in "the legionnaire's lament":

lord i don't know if i'll ever be back again.

i mean, the world is small nowadays and i know i always can go back. but in the pit of my heart there's this fear that i can't; that i won't. i don't want to give it up. i don't want to change. i just want to be a beijing girl.
but once again i have to slap myself in the face. once again i have to tell myself to suck it up, to grow the fuck up. at least in the back of my mind, i still retain the happiness i experienced in the capital; the wild nights, the laughs, friends, the hot city sun and irrepressible fun of it all.

but these 3 months changed me. i haven't even begun to describe and i won't say because i can't put it into words.
i guess i know something more about myself now.
but fuck, i'm sad.

1 comment:

Amanda and May said...

gosh i know how you feel.. rmb when i went back to hk? it was hard to enjoy much at all knowing it'll come to an end soon, so screw "better than nothing"... we'll forever be beijing girls, just growing up in different cities.