it's a funny feeling, going back and reading old blog posts. If we humans existed soley in the fragmented timeline of the blogosphere, the verdict on me would surely be that of someone mentally unsound. Let's see...It goes something like this: post #25 screams "I love you." post #26 says "you're fucking playing games with me. post #27 is pretty determined to kick your sorry ass to the curb. But here we are in post #28, and hey, i'm your girlfriend. yup, she's crazy.
Only when I read back through the slew of posts does it become apparent again how much of an utter rollercoaster this relationship has been. And to think, not to be cheesy, but we've come this far. Or I have, at least, in my head. Maybe I've only mistaken denial for acceptance. It's funny how people often get those two very opposite things mixed up. But I guess if a "honeymoon period" existed in all relationships, I must be living in it right now.
I really do like you a lot. That doesn't mean that all those things that pissed me off about you before have ceased to exist. I've just chosen to ignore them. Of course, they still pop up time to time, in moments like last night, when, in what I thought was a blazing, good moment to crystalize forever in loving ecstacy, you mumbled the name of that blonde bitch you used to sleep with. After picking myself up out of the debris of my shattered dreams, i sincerely questioned what the fuck I was doing there. I considered leaving in a huff, but you were already passed out on the bed snoring and probably wouldn't have noticed.
so there are sucky times. but then I think, maybe it's time to stop unrealistically wishing for a perfect romance. Maybe all my life I've been looking for someone to walk in and fit perfectly into the "you" character in Bright Eyes' haunting "First Day Of My Life." But then I also realized a while ago that believing in love at first sight has probably been one of the greatest tragedies of my existence. Maybe you exist to remind me that life isn't about constantly hurtling oneself at destruction mistaken for romance. Even when I find you extremely condescending, I have to admit that you ground me, somewhat. you've come along and told me, not in so many words, that I have to act and live like an adult.
And it's nice to look at someone with admiration and see them looking down at you with something of the same sort in their eyes. I know you still can't believe that i ranked intelligence as my number one thing when looking for somebody to be with. But the truth is, above all, it's your brilliance that draws me to you. It's the fire that keeps the slow burn going and is what keeps me, despite all complaints, by your side and in this for the long haul.
11.30.2012
sorry i can't be your manic pixie dream girl
this time i wanted to try. i really did. i didn't like you all that much at first, but i told myself to wait. i told myself not to be stupid, like i have so many times in the past. i asked myself: do you want to be desperate and alone forever? i told myself, you need to stop pushing people away. you need to stop wishing for love at first sight. you need to stop fantasizing about unrealistic, passionate, destructive relationships. you need to grow up. so i opened my heart to you. i learned to like you, and i truly came to. i learned to appreciate the things about you that made you amazing. i truly and honestly wanted to make it work. with every red flag, i told myself i was overreacting, that i was back to my old habits again, that i needed to be more feminine and forgiving. with every shitty thing you did, i told myself it was because you had no experience, it was because i had no experience, it was because of circumstance. i firmly believed that it could work. i didn't want to let you go. but you've left me with no choice.
you. treat. me. like. shit. and the funny thing is i don't think you even know it. and i've finally woken up. it's taken me way too long to find this clarity. because every time i'd get really angry, really determined to put an end to all this, you'd do something small that made me question my resolve. and everyone knows all girls are suckers for the little things. i forgave you way too many times, found too many excuses for you. the truth is, you treat me like this because you don't like me enough. because evidently, i'm not the girl of your dreams. perhaps you've decided to settle for me because you got burned once by your manic pixie dream girl who changed your life, but sorry, i still have too much respect for myself and i don't like you enough to accept life as a girl someone's settled for. what a laughable insult.
you once asked me what i thought of commitment. i was worried you were implying that you didn't want to commit. now it's so clear that that's not what i should have been worried about. you aren't noncomittal. you're just noncommital to me. because you don't like me enough to want to keep me around. you don't feel for me enough to want to commit to me. you don't care enough. about me. would you drive 13 hours down to new york city to throw stones at my window and shout from the rooftops that you want to be mine? absolutely not. you won't even take a subway ride to brooklyn to see me. and that's what hurts so much, really. the rejection. the rejection that you never expressed explicitly but is everywhere in the way you act. the "why am i not good enough?" "what have i did wrong?" "why can't i compare?" all those questions chipping away at my insecurities like little scratchy knives.
but i honestly believe that i deserve somebody who loves me for everything i am. someone who loves me for how i'm different from other girls, someone who loves me for my silly sense of humor, someone who loves me for who i am, wholly and completely, so i can also wholly and completely give myself to this person. I have enough self-confidence in myself to believe that i deserve that. it is funny when all your friends tell you that you're seeing someone who's not good enough for you, who has way less game than you do, yet you've actually given this person all the power. luckily for me, i'm not in deep enough to lose all self-respect and let myself be played like a fiddle, like i've done in the past. trust me, you really aren't that good of a catch.
but i was willing to try. i was willing to give it a shot. i really did genuinely like you, i really did genuinely feel that i could have fallen for you if we really took it and went. but you're not in this at all. and even though i know you would love for the status quo to go on forever because you're in such a great place right now, because you're so complacent ( and isn't it so funny that that's the one thing you said you never wanted to be) and so sure that you already have me in your pocket, that a few pecks on the forehead and paying for dinner once three weeks will tide me over with no intention to ever commit, or with intention to commit in who knows how long only if something better doesn't come up in the meantime, well then i'm telling you that's not going to happen. you've already lost me. and you never, ever, even once told me that you liked me. or that you even thought i was pretty.
i just wanted to be a loving, caring girlfriend. i just wanted to be your girl. but it's fucking over. and you bet it fucking sucks.
you. treat. me. like. shit. and the funny thing is i don't think you even know it. and i've finally woken up. it's taken me way too long to find this clarity. because every time i'd get really angry, really determined to put an end to all this, you'd do something small that made me question my resolve. and everyone knows all girls are suckers for the little things. i forgave you way too many times, found too many excuses for you. the truth is, you treat me like this because you don't like me enough. because evidently, i'm not the girl of your dreams. perhaps you've decided to settle for me because you got burned once by your manic pixie dream girl who changed your life, but sorry, i still have too much respect for myself and i don't like you enough to accept life as a girl someone's settled for. what a laughable insult.
you once asked me what i thought of commitment. i was worried you were implying that you didn't want to commit. now it's so clear that that's not what i should have been worried about. you aren't noncomittal. you're just noncommital to me. because you don't like me enough to want to keep me around. you don't feel for me enough to want to commit to me. you don't care enough. about me. would you drive 13 hours down to new york city to throw stones at my window and shout from the rooftops that you want to be mine? absolutely not. you won't even take a subway ride to brooklyn to see me. and that's what hurts so much, really. the rejection. the rejection that you never expressed explicitly but is everywhere in the way you act. the "why am i not good enough?" "what have i did wrong?" "why can't i compare?" all those questions chipping away at my insecurities like little scratchy knives.
but i honestly believe that i deserve somebody who loves me for everything i am. someone who loves me for how i'm different from other girls, someone who loves me for my silly sense of humor, someone who loves me for who i am, wholly and completely, so i can also wholly and completely give myself to this person. I have enough self-confidence in myself to believe that i deserve that. it is funny when all your friends tell you that you're seeing someone who's not good enough for you, who has way less game than you do, yet you've actually given this person all the power. luckily for me, i'm not in deep enough to lose all self-respect and let myself be played like a fiddle, like i've done in the past. trust me, you really aren't that good of a catch.
but i was willing to try. i was willing to give it a shot. i really did genuinely like you, i really did genuinely feel that i could have fallen for you if we really took it and went. but you're not in this at all. and even though i know you would love for the status quo to go on forever because you're in such a great place right now, because you're so complacent ( and isn't it so funny that that's the one thing you said you never wanted to be) and so sure that you already have me in your pocket, that a few pecks on the forehead and paying for dinner once three weeks will tide me over with no intention to ever commit, or with intention to commit in who knows how long only if something better doesn't come up in the meantime, well then i'm telling you that's not going to happen. you've already lost me. and you never, ever, even once told me that you liked me. or that you even thought i was pretty.
i just wanted to be a loving, caring girlfriend. i just wanted to be your girl. but it's fucking over. and you bet it fucking sucks.
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