I'm exhausted. I really am. Emotionally.
Discouraged. Ego bruised. Generally down. Tired of recruiting. Tired of networking. Tired of filling out application after application, only to be answered with rejection after rejection. Tired of waiting for nothing to come into fruition. Most of all, tired of what growing up entails, if what it entails is the gradual coming into belief that nobody will take me, that nobody will want me, that I'm actually not good enough.
It's funny. I used to freak out about things like boys. Now those things couldn't be pushed further to the fringes of my mind. I think I'd sell my soul for a job offer right now. Maybe. Probably.
I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe to my friends and the people around me; a universe of job applications and corporate presentations and general panic attacks. I feel like I've long since gone to another planet, in fact. I'm in an astronaut suit looking down at the earth, at my roommates eating pinkberry and my friends partying in meatpacking and my mom watering the garden. I'm in lalaland by myself, having absolutely no fun at all.
Yep. The days of my youth truly are over. I'm no longer young enough to beg my mama for money to buy myself frivolous clothing and accessory items and elaborate socially-obligated meals. Yep. I'm a senior in college. And the next stop on this line is unemployment.
Optimistic, right? I wish I could be more optimistic. I used to be. Clutching my resume, smart blazer round my shoulders, black patent heels, my mascara on perfect, I was confident. I knew my resume was baller. I knew I had good references. I knew I had awesome experience. And most of all, I knew I could do well at the job I was applying to. But now I'm starting to realize that maybe all that wasn't enough. That maybe I had overestimated myself.
I don't have any connections. I don't have any backdoor contacts. My undergraduate degree is not business-related. I don't go to stern and I don't know how to network. What if this is my downfall?
I'm terrified, horrified, appalled. Mostly terrified. I don't want to be that girl my mom's friends will gossip about, so-and-so's daughter who insisted on majoring in something useless like English and as expected, graduated without a job. I don't want to be that embarrassment. I want to be a proves-you-wrong. Not a well-we-all-saw-that-coming.
I never was a perfectionist. I never was an overachiever. I never wanted to be extraordinary. I just want to be good, and I was always good enough.
But I'm just not so sure anymore.
12.27.2011
wrote this on the plane from shanghai to ewr. here it is in its full glory.
So this is it. It’s all over. No more nights out, no more dinners, no more days, no more classes, no more shanghai. No more being reckless, sleepless nights, abusing our youth. This is it. Back to reality.
I’ve given some thought to what I want to write about in this blog post, and no form seems adequate to express the entirety of what I felt about this experience. So I think, instead of doing anything super official or more narrative-like, I would like to shout out to some of my favorite/ not so favorite memories and the people here who really made my semester. Think of it as a series of vignettes that piece together somewhat of a whole. The theme of the semester was definitely “insanity,” so here are my top insane moments (in no particular order):
1.Beijing- spark all night, getting 2 hours of sleep, then climbing the great wall
2.Getting high as a kite and singing “hello” with everyone in 1003
3.Everything about w-gate
4.Finding out about the passing of ilya ☹
5.Last night- falling down the stairs and bleeding
6.Everything that happened on those crazy orientation nights... making irresponsible decisions
7.Hungover at my internship multiple times, one time to the extent that I had to call in and pretend to be sick. then spent the next day eating at canto place and laying around in bed complaining
8.Shot for shot.. and what shouldn't have happened after
9.Doing nails and gossiping, balcony smoke sessions
10.Finding a live bug while stir-frying vegetables
11. Drinking a whole bottle of wine myself while whining to everyone in my vicinity about you-know-who
And many, many more that I can’t even remember. I met so many special people here, had so much fun, made so many stupid decisions and so many amazing ones. I love everyone who made this semester awesome—even the people who hurt me, because you’re only hurt by the ones you love—and I loved you all. Specifically:
S&M (haha):
There may have been drama and we can’t all love each other at 100% 100% of the time, but I’m confident that in you guys I’ve found lifelong friends. The days and nights we’ve been through together—nothing can replace that. Gonna love you guys forever, my yin and yang 902 twins.
W:
The biggest theme of my semester—I’m sure to everyone else, I must have looked pretty fucking retarded, but I don’t regret anything. I’m not going to lie, you hurt me, and when I told you how I felt, your joking reaction was really less than appropriate, but I don’t hate you and never will. It’s impossible. There’s a reason why I liked you so much, though I can’t even tell you what it is myself, but that is also the reason why I will always remember you as someone who made my time here awesome—not miserable. I’m so glad that now we’re friends.
E&A:
I’ve honestly always lacked actual, platonic guy friends in my life, and this semester you guys were there for me—through everything. You were patient with me, listened to me blab about shit that you really shouldn’t be subjected to the misery to hear about, and always had my back. For that, I really love you guys.
And all my other amazing friends here. Too many to name.
We had the best group of people in Shanghai this Fall. This is an experience I’m going to retain in my heart forever—even when I’m old and wrinkled, and staying up past 11 is unthought of, let alone staying out all night then chugging noodle man—and thinking that this is goodbye is incredibly hard.
A part of me is so exhausted in every single way and can’t wait to touch down on American soil, but a part of me knows so well that I’ve just left one of the best experiences of a lifetime.
Listening to my shanghai experience and I’m smiling at all those memories that are still so fresh in my mind. Shanghai, if I can’t keep you forever, I’m going to lock you in a song.
And what else could it be?
I’ve given some thought to what I want to write about in this blog post, and no form seems adequate to express the entirety of what I felt about this experience. So I think, instead of doing anything super official or more narrative-like, I would like to shout out to some of my favorite/ not so favorite memories and the people here who really made my semester. Think of it as a series of vignettes that piece together somewhat of a whole. The theme of the semester was definitely “insanity,” so here are my top insane moments (in no particular order):
1.Beijing- spark all night, getting 2 hours of sleep, then climbing the great wall
2.Getting high as a kite and singing “hello” with everyone in 1003
3.Everything about w-gate
4.Finding out about the passing of ilya ☹
5.Last night- falling down the stairs and bleeding
6.Everything that happened on those crazy orientation nights... making irresponsible decisions
7.Hungover at my internship multiple times, one time to the extent that I had to call in and pretend to be sick. then spent the next day eating at canto place and laying around in bed complaining
8.Shot for shot.. and what shouldn't have happened after
9.Doing nails and gossiping, balcony smoke sessions
10.Finding a live bug while stir-frying vegetables
11. Drinking a whole bottle of wine myself while whining to everyone in my vicinity about you-know-who
And many, many more that I can’t even remember. I met so many special people here, had so much fun, made so many stupid decisions and so many amazing ones. I love everyone who made this semester awesome—even the people who hurt me, because you’re only hurt by the ones you love—and I loved you all. Specifically:
S&M (haha):
There may have been drama and we can’t all love each other at 100% 100% of the time, but I’m confident that in you guys I’ve found lifelong friends. The days and nights we’ve been through together—nothing can replace that. Gonna love you guys forever, my yin and yang 902 twins.
W:
The biggest theme of my semester—I’m sure to everyone else, I must have looked pretty fucking retarded, but I don’t regret anything. I’m not going to lie, you hurt me, and when I told you how I felt, your joking reaction was really less than appropriate, but I don’t hate you and never will. It’s impossible. There’s a reason why I liked you so much, though I can’t even tell you what it is myself, but that is also the reason why I will always remember you as someone who made my time here awesome—not miserable. I’m so glad that now we’re friends.
E&A:
I’ve honestly always lacked actual, platonic guy friends in my life, and this semester you guys were there for me—through everything. You were patient with me, listened to me blab about shit that you really shouldn’t be subjected to the misery to hear about, and always had my back. For that, I really love you guys.
And all my other amazing friends here. Too many to name.
We had the best group of people in Shanghai this Fall. This is an experience I’m going to retain in my heart forever—even when I’m old and wrinkled, and staying up past 11 is unthought of, let alone staying out all night then chugging noodle man—and thinking that this is goodbye is incredibly hard.
A part of me is so exhausted in every single way and can’t wait to touch down on American soil, but a part of me knows so well that I’ve just left one of the best experiences of a lifetime.
Listening to my shanghai experience and I’m smiling at all those memories that are still so fresh in my mind. Shanghai, if I can’t keep you forever, I’m going to lock you in a song.
And what else could it be?
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